Tuesday, September 28, 2004:
Damn! Now as always I am gonna have to say...its been awhile. Well I have been back in tucson livin it up for quite awhile now. I have been living with my boyfriend and shits been fine with that except me. I have not been fine with that. I started working at AOL and had to go through this entire training period.... I met this guy. A guy I would have never looked twice at. He was blonde hair blue eyed (YUCK!) and on top of that chunky! We would talk every now and then and he knew I had a boyfriend but didn't seem to care all that much. He had jsut came from Seattle so doesn't know much about tucson. Everyone at work knew that I was taken and that I was asking for trouble when I started to actually llike this guy and he really liked me. To make the situation even worse is my boyfriend who i also live with starts working at AOL also! A few rumors went his way and he just threw them off to being jealous people just trying to start shit. My boyfriend hears constantly about all these other guys at work wanting me so bad but he knows (thinks) that they would never have a chance. Well the guy from work his birthday came around and I got totally wasted with him and came back home to my boyfriend drunk off my ass and he couldn't tell. A few weeks later tension arose and me and the guy from work had sex. I cannot believe that happened and I have no way of taking it back and I feel like an aweful person because he never deserved that. Well now I finally realized that there is nothing more between the guy from work and me and it makes me feel like shit that I actually cheated on someone.
Besides that I got a new car, brand new car and I am so proud I can drive a manual car now! Its awesome but guys are very gay when they see a girl in a beautiful fast car...its hot.
But....ha ha even the other day I am starting to think that maybe I am more so attracted to girls than guys, I dont know....hmm...
Micheline // 9:29 PM
Tuesday, July 27, 2004:
"To repress one's feelings only makes them stronger."
--Yu Shu Lien, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
Micheline // 8:22 AM
Monday, July 12, 2004:
Damn, its just been too long. Guess I am making my move back to tucson. I feel like it may be the wrong decision becasue it isnt really for me. Shit happeens. I am just here right now probably enjoying the last time I will ever be in this room. Not that this is the only thing going on in my life but right now I have packing to do...maybe I will give an update later.
Micheline // 1:47 AM
Sunday, June 27, 2004:
Damn, its like so much is going on. Too much to write about yet no one writes. My life has done a 180 and I don't know where to begin, once it settles maybe I'll start writing again.
Micheline // 11:12 PM
Monday, May 31, 2004:
Today I had a day off, holy shit a day off. Sittin, chillin at home right now in front of the computer debating whether or not I can start my internet class tomorrow.
Came home last night with over $200 bartending. I need to start saving my money again. I was really mad on saturday night when they had me waitress because the girl who was originally supposed to so it "wasn't cute enough" says the owners. Corey, one of the owners came in last night drunk as usual and I hate how he is always trying to hit on me. Theres tons of naked girls running around and he comes over to me. He looks like a way better version of the Maroon 5 Lead singer. He is always asking sick questions and tries to play it off like the only reason he does that is because he is incredibly trashed which I know is a lie because he is capable of talking fine to everyone else. He's always telling me he has plans for me "later on tonight". Shit gets annoying but I guess its just the shit you have to brush off your shoulder, smile and nod.
Micheline // 11:45 PM
Thursday, May 27, 2004:
OMIGOD!! 16 hours of work..no break and I am not joking!I feel like I am gonna die my bed looks so good but lately all the energry drinks, smoke and loud music running through my head I can never sleep. I have been at the club from 11 in the morning to 3 this morning...I hope everyone sleeps well
Micheline // 3:20 AM
Wednesday, May 19, 2004:
It seems like everything that happens in my life I think, "hey maybe I should write and reflect about that in my blogger" but it never seems to happen. I sit and wait and wait for a moment like this when I have nothing better to do then sit in front of my computer and my mind goes blank with everything that I had to say before.
I have come to the conclusion that everyone gets about an equal share of loneliness, happiness, and sadness when it comes to relationships it just depends on what amounts you choose to experience these things. If you are with someone for a long while and it ends you were very happy but in the end you are more lonely and sad than a person that has been without someone all the while you were with someone you were happy so it evens out all the lonely times the other person had without, it is those cowards like me who are unwilling to have huge ups and downs and would rather settle for an equal balance of all emotions and be completely alone. Is that bad?
Le' Girls brings out the most perverted of the perverts and men just get more and more disgusting as they grow old. I was offered $200 for a $5 pair of teeny tiny boy shorts (they call it) purely for the fact that they were on me. The guy said he wanted something to bring back to new york with him. His offer was declined and I have come to realize how much power men with money think they have over young girls. Fucking bastards!
...Speaking of Le' Girls, there is a dancer there and if I were ever to do girl on girl stuff she would be that one. I used to think in my head, hey that would be fun/interesting or whatever to be with a girl but could never actually picture that girl in my head and she would definately be that girl. If I was a guy and saw her I'd wanna fuck the shit out of her ;)
Micheline // 2:21 AM
Tuesday, May 11, 2004:
Best song....stitches by orgy. I remember that song from back in the day (middle school) and heard it again at work and fell in love with it all over again.
Other than that just today for some reason all of a sudden I was just horny for no reason. O well its been awhile that's probably why.
Summer finally wanted to have a talk with us after her little fit throwing episodes she's had the past few days. She thinks that we keep the place messy when really it is a little bit cluttered but nothing that would take more than 5-10 minutes to pick up. She wants to move out with her boyfriend, I say ha ha, good luck with that. She may not though but I would like her too because she puts a lot of restrictions on what me and Jessica can do here.
Other than that finals are over after tomorrow and I have summer school to look forward to, honestly I do look forward to it, I feel like a complete bum if I am not in school even if it is for the summer. I don't feel like I need a break so why should I take one? I wont over do it, just one or two classes.
Micheline // 11:12 PM
Sunday, May 09, 2004:
Always strange shit keeps happening and I don't have the time to write about it. I have so many things on the brain that just end up getting stuck. How nice it was to travel 2 hours and go to a concert where you end up standing next to a person you despise.
No one is up to my standards right now (maybe never will be) GUYS SUCK BALLS!! Fucking stupid,cocky,mindless, lying horndogs!
Micheline // 5:15 AM
Wednesday, May 05, 2004:
Hmm...lots of shit is been happening. Premier Savings, one of my jobs cut out their night shift. Basically all I am left wiht now is Le' Girls, speaking of which a man came in last night and heard that I wanted to have bigger boobs. He said that he was looking for girls to be a part of an ad campaign where a doctor would do breast implants for free and basically use the women as advertisements. Of course if it was doen for an advertisement it would be a really good job. They want me to go do a consultation sometime soon and I will see what I want to do. I always wanted some but I wanted to try maybe pills before surgery but this sounds like a good offer, we'll see.
Micheline // 8:52 PM
Wednesday, April 28, 2004:
Well I got a strange offer at work last night. There is this magazine that is passed out all over Arizona called Playtime, the guy who does the magazine was in Le' Girls. He was standing around my hostess area for the longest time tryin to talk me into posing for this magazine. It is basically a Hustler style, fully nude see EVERYTHING for Arizona women. It was nice to hear that he thinks I should be in that especially when I tried to get him to see my sister and ask her and he didn't even suggest it. He says she wouldn't photograph well and that I am perfect in like every way for it especially with the fact I have little boobs and am thin. I definitely declined but it was a confidence booster, I would never do something like that.
Micheline // 12:43 AM
Thursday, April 22, 2004:
Aye, I currently hold 3 jobs and still am not pulling in the money I need. I work at Le' Girls which is a nude cabaret and does not seem like a job really it is just fun. I am very tempted to get into the dancing part of things because even on slow nights the girls pull in $2-300. I am only tempted because after talking to many of the girls they are very sweet, few of them have only been with maybe one guy in their life and they think that its just a body and they don't get to touch it only see so what's the problem with admiring the female body? Nothing is wrong with that and I miss having mine admired but if I can make money off of it why not? Well I am chicken shit and I HATE my body so I probably wont end up doing it but the thought will always be there, the opportunity will always be offered and maybe one day. I know Jessica is going to start next week and let me know how it goes and we can practice together.
Other than that life is life and school is almost out so I need to concentrate mainly on that. Maybe I will update things again soon.
Micheline // 11:25 PM
Wednesday, April 21, 2004:
damn, i really haven't written anything in here for awhile, things have been too crazy to put into words I guess and the time just isnt there. I will probably be writing again soon, hopefully but for now I must head off to class and worry about that.
Micheline // 12:31 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2004:
OK well, I got a new job opportunity. I am very happy but at the same time scared. I could possibly make so much money that I don't know what to do with but at the same time I could possibly not make shit. Being a loan officer at barely 19 would be a huge success for me. I hope this isn't just one of those things that sounds all great but ends up being a huge mistake. Tuesday is my interview...then we shall see.
Micheline // 12:34 AM
Wednesday, February 18, 2004:
Money...fucking stupid paper! It's driving me nuts. I am starting to realize how incredibly stupid I am for taking the job that I have and now I am completely FUCKED for all the things I have to pay. So many credit cards, cell phone, rent, electricity, food, gas, omigod! The list is endless and the money is not. Almost makes me want to quit school and work full time right now even though I paid for tuition and books already.
Micheline // 11:04 PM
Wednesday, February 11, 2004:
I am not interesting. I hate this...this me! I am probably one of the most boring almost conformist people anyone will ever meet. I do not take risks, I don't get into trouble, I don't fail, I follow directions, I always play it safe, I am not creative, I don't make drastic change, I let things happen, I am just plain fucking boring. Yea I may have stories to tell, most of which are of things that have happened to me. The world has happened to me, I have not yet happened to the world. Will I?
Random thought: I had a dream last night of all the fun I had in high school while making up dances for the school dance show. I realized that back then no matter how stressed out I was or how far behind I was in life I would be able to dance and it made everything ok. How many times when the group would finally get it right and it was one of the most rewarding feelings. Nothing of course could top the feeling you get after a performance when the crowd is cheering and you knew that your hard work went toward something. It is fun to entertain but I am far from an entertainer.
Where am I going with this so called life?
Micheline // 11:49 PM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004:
I hate this trying to act like everything is fine and dandy. fucking shit! Everything is just getting on my nerves, I am trying to eat dinner right now and do homework with a cat that wont stop clawing up my leg! I finally shut my door but now all I hear is crying, I swear I am gonna go absolutely fucking nuts! Today is just not my day, yesterday was just not my day, this is just not my week. Why can't anything go right lately? I swear I just wanna scream...going back to pretending to be fine.
Micheline // 7:49 PM
Wednesday, January 28, 2004:
Slept my day away...woke up around 12 and then headed to class. I feel like a bum when it comes to school because I dont even do any homeork. I have a nice test tomorrow and I haven't even studied. I wanted to leave for tucson earlier on thursday but I wont get out til after 10 because of my class =( Looking forward to a shitty weekend I'm sure. This birthday thing never goes well.
I do not know what the fuck is up with my dreams. I keep randomly waking up to horrible images running through my head and I cannot figure out why. Life isnt bad, it is actually going good, so it makes no sense to me. I wish this shit would go away. If I sound crazy its because I have just been woken from sleep...so back to bed...goodnight!
Micheline // 11:09 PM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004:
Set a record at work today. Made more in commission than I do with my $10 hourly wage. I thought this job was hopeless and I couldn't persuade people enough to be decent at it, but now I am top performer. I really wasn't used to being the average worker, but after today I don't think I will have to worry about that very often.
Finally got ahold of my sister...after everything that happened last weekend she made that quite the struggle. Told her that I was coming down on thursday and she wants to spend like the entire weekend with me because Alex wants to go do shrooms. Shit! What the hell am I gonna do? I have people to see, things to explain to her and she aint gonna take that shit lightly....what a weekend to look forward to, birthdays are a bitch. =(
Micheline // 9:57 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2004:
Saturday night went ugly. Damn I really don't mean to put peoples lives or well being at risk. I was just having a little fun, aren't we all allowed that once in awhile? Haven't been able to sleep well the past week, I will be tired as hell and just lay looking out at the sky until eventually I pass out. School started today along with an unwelcome visitor that I shouldnt have anyway!!! We'll see how this all goes. I don't really like my job and school seems promising but who knows.
Micheline // 11:43 PM
Saturday, January 10, 2004:
FUCK TUCSON!!! I am not fucking welcome anymore in the city I used to live in. Just fuck Tucson and most of the people living in it!
Micheline // 8:06 PM
Saturday, December 27, 2003:
How is it that you can have one person in your head and the thought just makes you happy?
Heading back to Mesa, maybe I'll get my net set up this week and I can talk more =>
Micheline // 2:33 PM
Tuesday, December 16, 2003:
I haven't been here in awhile. Things have been good, no take that back they have been perfect. I feel like I have fallen in love but there is no one involved in this. I am just happy all around. I guess I just can't understand why everyone else isnt. I was a bit bothered when I heard Roch was moving back to Tucson with his parents, I feel like he is being unreasonable and not taking a chance. He is giving up and taking the easy way out, apparently he can't work under pressure. Despite what he may think I used to really look up to him for the fact that things just come to him and he can do anything that he really wants to. I guess I just lost that feeling when I heard he was moving back, staying in tempe is a do-able sitaution that he is not willing to try, he would rather just take it easy and not work hard. Yea there would be struggling involved but that builds character and I remember once he was kinda giving me shit about me considering successful being well off, etc and now look at him he is moving back because he doesnt want to struggle, hypocritical, I think so. Maybe you shouldnt expect to get things handed to you, parents have taught you what they can and when you are 19 you should now only accept thoughts of wisdom and love.Teach yourself the rights and wrongs of life, figure it out on your own, learn how you work on your own, teach yourself how to be disciplined, learn your own damn lessons and stop being a fucking baby! Sorry thats harsh but how I feel.
Micheline // 11:05 PM
Sunday, December 07, 2003:
Well yea this was my wonderful night last night...me and Roch were supposed to eventually meet up. I was going to this belly dance thing which ended around 11:30, he had a party to go to which he said he would prolly leave around 12. Well this is how it really went, I got home around 12:30 called him to let him know I was home, he says oh not much longer and he'll be heading back too. ok, cool. 2:30 comes around he calls and says almost done, ok now its fucking 6 in the morning he calls and says sorry. Ok yea he's sorry, I'm fuckin sorry for waiting around all fucking night!!!! He says he really wanted to see me blah blah BULLSHIT! Wants to have lunch or something the next day to make it up!! HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HA! I call him at like 1 tdoay to have lunch!!!! HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM TALKING ABOUT!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW could I be more pissed, he says he'll call later, omigod he is leaving back to tempe soon and I havent heard from him, its sad really that I can drive 2 hours to go see him because he wanted me to keep him company but he cant drive 10 minutes to see me =( wow, well now I know. Guys are ALL assholes, no doubts about that. I give up all hope, fuckit!
Micheline // 5:41 PM
Wednesday, December 03, 2003:
I can't do anything right =( My body is FUCKED up!!!!! It hates me!!
Micheline // 6:19 PM
Monday, December 01, 2003:
Well, hmm. I am a failure. Sometimes I just feel like there is not a thing in the world that could bring me down and then it happens. I almost forgot what that weird feeling where it seems like ur insides are empty and your stomach is completely hollow. It is one of the worst feelings in the world, the feeling of depression. I felt that hard on Sunday. I can't really explain why because there was no real reason that it came about. I just kinda woke up like that. I drove to my sisters because she wanted me over, on the drive back I got all teary eyed and I have no idea why. I felt like a crazy person. That really sucked, well I got over it but now today I go to pick up papers from one of my classes. My self paced history class, well more bad news, I got my papers back from the semester of work and on just one test that I did study for I fucked up horribly. I don't blame myself completely, the teacher gave a study guide and told what chapters would be covered. I read all the chapters thoroughly and reviewed the study guide, took pages of notes and reviewed that before the test, took then test and thought I might have grabbed the wrong one because nothing on it was what I had read. I had a test that I was supposed to take today but I have no idea what it is on, there is no study guide available and the mutherfucker wont respond to any of my emails. I will have to drop my first class ever, I am a fuckup, and this feels so shitty. I will now only have 12 credits completed this semester once I drop it =( On top of all that there are complications with the house. We may not even get it, problems with the property manager being an asshole and shit I don't even wanna get into because I have been talking about it all day and its upsetting. Shitty day, but we all have those.
Micheline // 11:09 PM
Sunday, November 23, 2003:
Oh yea, I forgot to mention...he left some stuff in my car. He was gonna come get it but asked me to come by cuz he wanted to talk. I was a little worried, didn't know what it could be about. Well especially the way it started kinda worried me, he told me to not take what he was saying the wrong way. I was thinking in my head "o this is gonna be bad" but he ended up telling me how he liked spending time with me and how I still make him feel the same as before and that he still loved me...aww melt my heart. Well he says he's been going through some stuff, it's nice that me being around him helps him but why doesn't he tell me what he's going through? He thinks that he can single handedly solve every problem he ever faces, most of the time that is true but sometimes it just helps to talk. I am there, I hope he knows that.
Micheline // 10:22 PM
Long weekend, friday started out kinda weird. A little unexpected. I went to see my best friend from back in the beginning of high school, it was her birthday party. It was awkward because of course Roch was there too with his friends. I actually went down there to bring him back to Tucson. The party was ok, I didnt say much to him because I wasn't sure exactly where the boundary was or even if one had existed but his friends were all around so he had people to chill with and so did I. A lil awkward starring across the room and there he was, random girls dancing just on or near him for brief moments. I don't really get jealous of these things exactly, I have always and always will trust him it's just I ask myself sometimes why can't I be that girl up on him once in awhile, or the one sitting next to at the table that he thinks is pretty and probably wants to get to know more about. Yea well I'm me, gotta settle for that. Well party is over, new friendships rekindled and we go to his place. Now I was really thinking that I was gonna have to try to drive back ( now its like 2 am) and I was tired, really. Yea you know he kinda gets me in the mood and starts stuff, eventually we are counting 28.....orgasms that is, that I had!! All that without having sex. Well we drive back, I'm like in this dream that I can't get out of. I didn't feel all there exactly, maybe you could describe it as a natural high? Well I get home and sleep! Dreams, well let's just keep those to myself for now I'm sure you can use your imagination. Well now I am aniticipating him to come back later that night. Well eventually the whole horniness wears off. It's like 1:30 am and he comes over. Of course instantely it comes back. Yea we pretty much start off where we had left off the other morning and insanley end the 24 hour period with a grand total of about 40! Now let me give warning to anyone who is going to try this...the next morning you feel dead. It hurts to breathe because your lungs have been worked there are weird ass muscles you never knew you have that you have been spasming (if thats a word) all day and they aren't ones you use on a daily basis. Is it worth it?.... well I am good with 1 or 2 honestly but this one (or 40 some) to remember. This is not gonna happen again unless I am like tied like no other and its forced because sometimes you just gotta breathe...or maybe if I have a week or so recovery time.
Micheline // 10:12 PM
Wednesday, November 19, 2003:
Well yea figures, since the day he said we had to talk we haven't. Yea well looks like heres another one of those days. I should expect this by now but why is it that I come directly home and sit in front of the computer and wait...ridiculous, stupid.
Micheline // 11:05 PM
Yea, great. Well this is literally the 3rd time I have had to post the same thing because it keeps getting deleted! Well basically what i was trying to say was that when I talk to him now I get the same feeling that I used to get when we talked before we got together. The whole anticipation, excited, butterflies feeling you get. He hasn't posted anything lately and today after we had talked I left with a bad vibe =( Don't exactly get what's going on.
Micheline // 10:22 PM
What the fuck?
Micheline // 1:23 PM
Monday, November 17, 2003:
"In some way, perfection in human relationships is impossible." ...my horoscope for the day. How uplifting. When I am driving alone mainly at night all these random ass thoughts are consistently running through my mind. I can't write and drive...too bad. Just a crazy thought that I remember is that music plays such an large role in peoples lives and I don't think they realize it. I find it weird how a song can come on and you can instantly turn sad, happy, apathetic, or even powerful. Sometimes it's like you are not in the mood for listening to the shit you usually listen to, why is that? What makes that moment any different than any other when you like the song? There should be a soundtrack to everyone's life. I wonder sometimes if I am just getting myself into more trouble than it's worth. There is always unnecessary drama in my life. I wonder why he doesn't tell his parents the truth. You don't just have to flat out say "yea I'm fucking her" but at least don't let them go on thinking that something is still going on that's not. Makes me realize how far nowhere this will all end up going, or so it seems when things like that come to life. I think I expect the impossible. Sometimes it is ok the expect the impossible, keep your goals high, but when I cannot completely depend on myself for the successful completion of these goals then what is the use? I do not trust nor depend on people but when it comes to him all rules change and I act a fool. If I could just walk away I would, I do it everyday. Something keeps me...what exactly is that? Is it the same thing that keeps him around? Bleh, no one knows me like he knows me, nor will anyone.
Micheline // 11:25 PM
Dammit! I had a post on here that I thought I published last night but it got deleted somehow, well this will be continued after I get some dinner because I have had a lot on the mind today.
Micheline // 9:24 PM
Friday, November 14, 2003:
Well I thought he was coming down here today, he said he kinda wanted to come down to see me but not that much I guess. O well at least I didnt go and shave...(girl thing). It would be a nice surprise if like 4 in the morning came around and he was knocking at the door but by then I'll prolly be so passed out I wont even hear.
Micheline // 8:19 PM
Thursday, November 13, 2003:
Well he had me with the ear nibble...damn. But besides that didn't realize I was taking so much from him and his school. Maybe I should just leave him alone 4 awhile, don't want to take him away from his life, he is bound to be such a successful person.
Micheline // 4:37 PM
Monday, November 10, 2003:
Well it was just one of those things that is maybe mentioned but never actually happens. I never realized how much I miss his soft lips and his touch, damn. I didn't think it would change things that much and I still don't think it really did other than make the feelings I had b4 a little stronger just by that blatant reminder of a saturday night. I have been for awhile one of these bitchy girls who laughs in guys faces when they try to ask her out and all day make fun of how stupid guys are. I cannot stand the way guys act today and I have something to say about every dumbass thing that they do, but when it comes to him, I start to act like the dumb one. All my theorys and judgements get thrown right out the door when it comes to him. It's like I lose that sort of hatred toward the male race, I wouldn't necessarily call it hatred but its like everything they do they use no mind, but its different with him. Theres not a thing that he does where I can fit him into the stereotype of every other guy on this planet. He doesnt do dumb things to try to impress a girl he acts himself and doesnt try 4 things he'll never have, never says stupid things, never asks dumb questions. He is who he is always and that is what attracts me to him. But yea after that night I slept better than I have in a long time, I actually slept til almost 2 and I usually always am up b4 11. Felt like a lazy bum but it was definately worth it. I am still not quite sure if the feelings are completely mutual and if so I still don't know what to do. I guess I just have to be patient for once in my life and see what happens. I wish that every time I had an interesting thought about this pass through my head it would just save, I probably could have wrote a book by now with all the things since saturday that have come and gone through my head. ha ha but I still can't sit right ;)
Micheline // 10:39 PM
Sunday, November 09, 2003:
Well last night, damn, it was definately something I wanted but didn't expect would actually happen. It was better than I remembered, it didnt feel like just fucking, I may be crazy but it felt like something more. I'll be hurting for days. Shit well I had a lot of things on here, had a strange moment and decided to erase them all...sorry this is no longer interesting.
Micheline // 11:16 PM
Thursday, November 06, 2003:
I wanna be like thrown against the wall and then just have sex, just get a knock on my door one day from, well u know and then yea. That would be the greatest. Well sux being horny. Getting bored with taking care of it myself maybe it will just pass.
Micheline // 12:54 AM
Monday, November 03, 2003:
Well it's hard to tell whats right and wrong anymore. Lately I have been saying things that have been on my mind but is that the right thing to do? Should I just be keeping this stuff to myself because I fucked up what could have been before? Thinking back to all those times I am a DUMMY! Like I can say however much I want to that I was grown, mature or whatever u wanna call it but I damn well was not. I mean at this point I don't know what to do. I have said what I have said to him, I have done what I did. I cannot take any of this back now, where do I go now? Should I just let it be what it is and move on? Or should I go for what I really want, but what I want is that right? Omigod I am crazy. Been trying to live a simple lilfe, work, school, not much communicating to other people to make things simpler but instead all I can do is think about this which makes things so much more complicated than they ever have to be. I don't want to go into something and fuck it all up again but then how can I even say that when I have no idea what he wants? The I go on thinking well is this true... well it's gotta be true otherwise these feelings would have passed by now. I mean sometimes I will sit here in my computer chair type to this blog, my eyes tearing up and I erase everything I wrote. Expressing this stuff gets hard, I mean it sucks to look back and look at yourself and what you did and see that you completely failed on the one person who knew you better than anyone or you could even know yourself, could tell you before you can answer whether you even like something or not and be right about it. Once it's all said what's to be done?
Micheline // 10:46 PM
Sunday, November 02, 2003:
Bet no one thought they'd hear this but...yea I've calmed it down on the masturbating. I haven't done it in like 3 days. I can't tell yet if it has any affect on my attitude or anything but I'm sure to find out. I think the one thing it does is make me feel less independent, if that makes any sense. Off the subject a lil but yea I miss him...and for all u who have kept up on this I'm sure u know who I'm talkin about. Well he's taught me about 98% of what I know about hip-hop and he is obviously is his biggest critic, since he educated me on it that would make me damn near his biggest critic and I can say I was wowed (for lack of better word) tonight. He definately stood out. I had such a better way of putting that when I was driving home in the car, oh well. It's cool he can take praise without getting big-headed. Well yea I do miss him and things about him and I think that it is possibly still better that we are apart because we have both changed a little possibly matured a bit but sometimes it sux. He was right earlier when he wanted us to be friends then when I move near him see what happens but I didn't like that idea and ended up fucking a lot of things up. I'm sure I'll regret saying this in the morning, I would spill all my guts to this thing but I know sometime he may read it.
Micheline // 12:13 AM
Sunday, October 26, 2003:
Well, last night I was planning on, well having fun with myself for lack of a better, phrase but the power went out! Today I was gonna make up for it. So like an hour into my fun Summer comes knocking at my door. I had to throw clothes on and compose myself!!!! THAT WAS HORRIBLE!!!! How am I going to live in a house with her or anyone for that matter. Well once she left I made up for it with 2 more hours of fun. Well yea I have come to realize that I don't think that any guy will ever be able to get me off as well as I can myself...well maybe one. I am never going to be able to have a physical relationship with another guy again, it's just not going to work. Plus I dont think I can be open with a guy about the things I want as far as that goes, may get a little crazy sometimes. I just don't think there is anyone that I will trust enough to express these wants to and if I gain that trust I don't think the guy will wanna stick around after that. Sex with yourself is like tickling yourself, it doesnt exactly have the same effect. Dammit! Why do I have to be horny!?!?!
Micheline // 11:56 PM
Monday, October 20, 2003:
Sundays suck! NO matter what they are the most depressing day of the week for some reason. I am so upset because I guess I have gotten all the use I will get out of my vibrator. I don't know what I am gonna do now. Omigod, yea I actually remembered my dream from last night, kinda crazy somewhat unexpected but I'm not telling.... ;)
Micheline // 12:01 AM
Sunday, October 19, 2003:
How much I miss a smooth body on top of me =( This whole no sex thing kinda starts to get to you after awhile especially when you live alone and have all the chances that you could possibly want. I don't think I could have sex with anyone else.
Micheline // 1:08 AM
Saturday, October 18, 2003:
Sometimes I wish that my mind would just shut up. I think of things and feel things that make no sense. I just guess thats all I can say without saying too much that would probably end up getting me into trouble.
Micheline // 12:14 AM
Tuesday, October 14, 2003:
OMIGOD! I wish I could own a sybian machine =(...well I got asked out on a date by two different people in one day at work. That has never happened once before, yea I got hit on but never asked on a date. I declined to the both of them. There was nothing wrong with either of them just that I don't even want to deal with that shit anymore. I just like being alone doing my own thing and I like to just get to know more of the people I already know and not bother with new ones, they only bring trouble, well maybe not but I just don't want to take the time, fuckit!
Micheline // 11:49 PM
Monday, October 13, 2003:
I think that I am going to go back to writing in this thing. I went for awhile thinking it was stupid but it's kinda the only way for me to really get things out...some things u just can't tell ur girlfriends. I think I have finally reached a level of self-confidence where I feel like I don't need anyone else to like me, but I do. Yea I have made mistakes and continue to do so but I think I have finally realized the impact of all the mistakes I have made while I sit at home alone. Yea the horny thing, damn I haven't had sex in months and I never even had the urge to until uh...yesterday? But it's awesome to be able to u know do ur own thing in your own place ;)
Micheline // 10:04 PM
Sunday, October 12, 2003:
I think I have mastered masterbation! No but seriously I was like walking around wet all day today for no reason ( or I don't think there was a reason) so I go home have a little fun and I don't think I will need guys anymore....just more toys.
Micheline // 11:08 PM
Friday, August 29, 2003:
Micheline // 4:29 PM
Friday, August 01, 2003:
My life has taken such a turn. I have no complaints for once in my life =) I am so glad I finally found someone who is completely opposite me but exactly the same as me at the same time. It's crazy and I am happy!
Micheline // 1:26 AM
Friday, July 11, 2003:
Micheline // 3:28 AM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003:
she talks all this mess...it goes like
"Roch i wanna do (insert potentially fun event here) w/ you"
but i refuse to take the backseat to her friends
whether its a road trip, a fair, or a movie
i don't do that to her
why do i deserve that
rochus // 3:51 PM
Monday, June 23, 2003:
it goes from lets stay together
always and forever
each moment w/ you
to what the hell am i gonna do
love is a bitch...i'll say this statement despite my past
while its trained to do me well sometimes it comes back to bite my ass
i try to catch myself and not let it pass me up
cuz love could be slow or fast as fuck and well disguised in its mask of lust
if u let its loyal eyes lure u into its world then
u'll see love slowly take shape to that of a person
and that can greaten or worsten the situation of yours man
cuz they can give and take control
make or break your mold and change your soul
turn your stable life to shaky
it can drive you down the blissful path or it can drive you crazy
and while ur in the passenger seat screamin "why do you use me..."
i gave you my mind body and soul and i'm not just here for booty."
i wanna make a beautiful world w/ you...i love you"
I get a cold stare back resolved w/ a FUCK YOU
I try to fight back...and pull ace cards from inside my sleeve
but the house always wins in this game and its robbing me
of dignity pride and dreams i live in emotional poverty
til bright visions of future get underlined w/ suicidal themes
now i walk the thin line between insane and sane
laced w/ broken hearts, homes, picture frames
and promises, common sense would tell to run packin
but her smiles my vacuum...always seems to draw me back in
gaspin for breath, express my stress w/ passion
i tell her her words cut me deep and she constantly keeps stabbin
so blood leaks from my heart cut deeped and burned
and i'm slowly runnin out of fresh cheeks to turn
i take my chances cuz i have no one to give answers
in this game i'd turn to my man but i aint got no mans left
so game over...no continue for all the hopeless men who
love w/ their heart not their dick heres the message i send you
i've been through the worst offended w/ no defense too
but dont you let ur search for a happy ending end you
like it almost did me
rochus // 2:34 AM
i stab...he sheds tears...i stab again...he fights back...i stab one more time...he steals the blade and takes his own life...and the blood lust fulfills my desires
salvaging ur pride will help you...but who must you betray to salvage it
he's my cia...when he does well no one hears about it...but when he does wrong under any remote sense of the word, sarcastic, euphamistic...THE WORLD MUST KNOW
two faces can kill one heart twice as fast...take notes women...make up is good for something...you can act like everything is ok...then stab him in the back some more...yummy
i say i love him soooo much...but what do i do to show it, i insult his mother, i kick him out of my house, i ignore his calls, and i remain selfish
Micheline // 1:11 AM
Got good news today....found out that if I don't give enough sex ( kinda like now apparently) I will just be replaced....and to think I might have meant more than that. Little does he know that I have always thought in my head that no matter what happens with us I want him to be the last dick I ever have.
i'm so full of meecrob it oozes from my sandy vagina lol
Micheline // 12:29 AM
Tuesday, May 27, 2003:
...and I no longer exist in his world. What the hell happened in San Diego anyway?
Micheline // 10:15 PM
Sunday, May 25, 2003:
I woke up this morning feeling so lonely. I knew he was heading up to San Diego but the whole day I couldn't help but think of how much I wanted to be there with him. I've just been sitting around all day, thinking about things. It is crazy how it had only been like 10 hours of not seeing him and that whole 10 hours I was sleeping that I can miss him so much already. I thought about things all day and how there are so many things that I could never do with anyone else and how I wish he was there today so I could just talk to him or see him, take a walk or do whatever. There are so many things that I can do or share only with him.
Micheline // 7:29 PM
Saturday, May 17, 2003:
MichelineE (3:14:11 PM): hi
Force o Reason (3:14:12 PM): hi
MichelineE (3:14:17 PM): how r u?
Force o Reason (3:14:50 PM): eh
MichelineE (3:14:53 PM): whats wrong?
MichelineE (3:14:59 PM): did u wanna get out 4 a bit?
Force o Reason (3:15:06 PM): y
MichelineE (3:15:11 PM): just wondering
Force o Reason (3:15:16 PM): and do what
MichelineE (3:15:31 PM): um, look at game stuff, cd's, drive whatever
Force o Reason (3:17:24 PM): what do u want
MichelineE (3:17:37 PM): i dont want anything i was wondering if u wanted to do anything
MichelineE (3:17:42 PM): ur always stuck at home
Force o Reason (3:17:47 PM): no im not
MichelineE (3:17:54 PM): ok
MichelineE (3:19:37 PM): so did u want to get out and do something or come over or go somewhere or did u just want to stay home
Force o Reason (3:19:56 PM): well apparently u want nothing...and i don't need any favors
MichelineE (3:20:04 PM): no no its not like that
MichelineE (3:20:10 PM): i want to get out too but i dont know what to do
MichelineE (3:20:13 PM): i want to see u
Force o Reason (3:21:28 PM): sure
Force o Reason (3:21:30 PM): how was ur day
MichelineE (3:21:38 PM): um it was strange
Force o Reason (3:21:44 PM): y
MichelineE (3:21:47 PM): i guess i have lots of family in phoenix
MichelineE (3:21:59 PM): they want me to go there every now and then for food when i go to asu
Force o Reason (3:22:10 PM): but u wouldn't know cuz u hate everyone right
MichelineE (3:22:18 PM): i dont hate family
Force o Reason (3:22:25 PM): u hate everyone
MichelineE (3:22:27 PM): i didnt know becuz no one talks about them
MichelineE (3:22:30 PM): no i dont
MichelineE (3:22:40 PM): tehy are like in their 80's
MichelineE (3:25:48 PM): so what do u wanna do
Force o Reason (3:26:21 PM): i dunno
Force o Reason (3:26:22 PM): i'll brb
MichelineE (3:26:27 PM): ok
Force o Reason (3:33:40 PM): k
MichelineE (3:33:47 PM): k
MichelineE (3:33:58 PM): so what do u wanna do
Force o Reason (3:34:13 PM): u do whatever u want
MichelineE (3:34:28 PM): what r u doing
Force o Reason (3:36:21 PM): watchin videos
MichelineE (3:36:30 PM): what r u going to b doing
Force o Reason (3:36:39 PM): nothin
MichelineE (3:36:51 PM): how about u call me when u r done with that
Force o Reason (3:36:55 PM): y
MichelineE (3:37:05 PM): so maybe we can do something
Force o Reason (3:37:12 PM): i guess
Force o Reason (3:37:16 PM): u can go
MichelineE (3:37:19 PM): what?
MichelineE (3:37:21 PM): whatever
Force o Reason (3:37:28 PM): thas what ur doin right
MichelineE (3:37:46 PM): i was just asking u to call if i am not doing something with u right now i am gonna lay down
Force o Reason (3:37:58 PM): yea...ur leaving'
Force o Reason (3:38:02 PM): thas all i said
MichelineE (3:38:07 PM): yea and u dont wanna do anything
MichelineE (3:38:12 PM): ever
Force o Reason (3:38:17 PM): no...U don't wanna do anything
Force o Reason (3:38:20 PM): thas what u said
MichelineE (3:38:22 PM): YES i do
Force o Reason (3:38:25 PM): u think ur doin me a favor
MichelineE (3:38:26 PM): or else i would not ask
MichelineE (3:38:34 PM): omigod u r so ridiculous
MichelineE (3:38:37 PM): u dont get it
MichelineE (3:38:40 PM): i had no plans
MichelineE (3:38:54 PM): i WANTED to see u i asked to see u if we could do something
MichelineE (3:38:57 PM): u never want to
MichelineE (3:39:01 PM): u never suggest we do something
Force o Reason (3:39:17 PM): not true
MichelineE (3:39:27 PM): when have u
Force o Reason (3:39:35 PM): ur serious
Force o Reason (3:39:37 PM): ?
MichelineE (3:39:41 PM): yes
Force o Reason (3:40:04 PM): then kiss my ass
Force o Reason (3:40:11 PM): thas what i suggest u do
Force o Reason (3:40:15 PM): hows that
Force o Reason signed off at 3:40:25 PM.
Force o Reason (3:40:51 PM): i'm gonna go
MichelineE (3:40:59 PM): i can see that
Force o Reason (3:41:08 PM): u cant see shit
MichelineE (3:41:11 PM): have fun
Force o Reason (3:41:14 PM): u couldn't see urself pissin me off
Force o Reason (3:41:22 PM): 2 days in a row
Force o Reason (3:41:26 PM): ur on a roll
MichelineE (3:41:29 PM): u couldnt see u do the same to me
Force o Reason (3:41:42 PM): i did nothing to u
MichelineE (3:41:45 PM): exactly
MichelineE (3:41:47 PM): u dont see
Force o Reason signed off at 3:41:58 PM.
Micheline // 3:40 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2003:
NOTHING can ever go right in my life for long, I go from hearing constant "I love you's" last night to tonight hearing "shuttups" all over another misunderstanding, but it can never just stop there. I am not an ungrateful person I appreciate everything that he does for me, asking for help is just not something I do-now I know why.
Micheline // 11:54 PM
Sunday, May 04, 2003:
It was nice that he went last night. I couldn't have/shouldn't have asked for more.
Micheline // 7:59 PM
Tuesday, April 29, 2003:
AND JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS...ROCH IS THE ONLY PERSON I THINK ABOUT WHEN I AM THINKING ABOUT SEX AND ME!
Micheline // 11:02 PM
How can I be so quickly losing the one thing I wanted so badly? Any thought that may pass through my head to end this I think of about 50 things that he would come up with to trash my idea and end up hurting me by calling me a liar or a dumbass or maybe something new. You NEVER know how powerful insults are until they come from someone you love and were under the impression had the same feeling 4 you. When you value that one person's ideas, values, opinions, words more than anyone else and they say things against you it is overwhelming. You feel like you have nothing. When you don't have that one person there to back you what do you have, seriously? You start to question yourself in everything you do and crazy shit runs through your head all day. All night.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!
Micheline // 10:56 PM
Monday, April 28, 2003:
It hurts to smile. I think of all kinds of crazy things all day long and in my sleep, nothing good. I usually wake up in the middle of the night or more like early morning because I had some sort of bad dream or nightmare. I want to be TRULY happy but then I am afraid to have that because what if once I have that I want more and you can't possibly have more, and of course it wont last and when it is gone I will become more miserable than I started off with. It is a vicious cycle. So I will settle with just ok, if i could even get there.
Micheline // 10:43 PM
Wednesday, April 23, 2003:
Is it just a feeling of worthlessness or is it an actuality?
Micheline // 11:37 PM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003:
My cat is gone. No one seems to understand how hard it is to lose the one thing thats always there for you especially when you are sick or sad. Everything in my life has gone bad, I feel like no one is there for me, everyone is against me somehow. Is there any reason for me to exist, all my goals all my dreams hopes whatever always seem to get shut down, I feel like I get stupider everyday and feel more and more empty. I spilled my guts to the one person who I thought might be able to help me or at least make me feel good or special or even loved, but in the end only made me feel ridiculous and unwanted. I don't know what to do. I wish I could start everything all over again and know what I know now. I feel like I am going to break down, I wish I could just stop time for awhile and breathe, know what I am getting into before I get into it. I just want to breathe thats all.
Micheline // 11:25 PM
Sunday, April 20, 2003:
Micheline // 4:44 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2003:
My Grandmother is having surgery tomorrow, its my Grandfathers birthday on friday, Margot needs help passing english to graduate, my dad has had a bit more attitude since Lisa's gone my sister comes home wasted with her boyfriend like every other night, people at school write poopface on my name, I am abusing my money for college, I have a traffic ticket to pay for and then Roch calls as I was picking Jessica up from work asking where am I in this mean tone and then tells me I was sounding like a BITCH when I was normal as ever! I messaged him I love you about 20 minutes before and all I got was "why would you say that?" I don't get an I love you too. I feel like I am speaking Japanese to him because he never understands, I seriously was not sounding like a bitch, FUCK I am not the one with pictures of me sitting on guys laps with no pictures of him around, he's the ONLY one I care about but apparently I am not his only, I feel like he picks these fights out of nowhere because he wants us to end. I feel like I am the only one in the entire WORLD who wants us together. I feel like he thinks of me as just another stupid slutty girl as he does all women, all he does is laugh when I am mad, I used to admire that about him but now it is getting to a point where I know he doesn't ever take me seriously. I feel so incredibly hopeless I mean how can saying "I am taking Jessica home from work" sound mean?! I wasn't mad I wasn't yelling I was talking. Roch will never understand me, he acts like he does but then why does he do this to me? I can never be happy, the ONLY time I am happy is when I am in Tempe with him and ONLY him and I think he wants to keep it that way so that I am miserable any other way or he is just pushing me so far on my limits and wants me to end us. I am not catching the hint. When he is pissed or sad it makes me sad, it makes me sad because I don't want him to be either of those ways, he wont understand that but he knows what it does to me, he seems to enjoy me feeling that way because he thinks I should feel pain if he is, I can never be happy if he is not. I think I am going crazy, I hate this feeling of helplessness it is one of the worst feelings in the world because with it come sadness, anger, confusion and who knows what else (i'm sure I'll be able to add to that list soon). If I could just curl up into a little ball and sleep peacefully and dream good dreams all the time and not wake up...
Micheline // 1:02 AM
Monday, April 14, 2003:
I call him and get yelled at by this crazy monster, playing this game that I got him-never woulda known I would get yelled at 4 it, damn I mean if I woulda known that was gonna happen I woulda never called, I thought today might have been important to him...it's been a year.
Micheline // 10:51 PM
Tuesday, April 08, 2003:
I finally get a chance to go to bed at like 2...I lay down thinking and with a bad headache and cant sleep...3:30 rolls around and my sister just busts out throwing up in the room. She was so loud and the was crying and shit, I had to help her clean up, now I laid in bed for about an hour to get my hour of sleep, now I can't even open my eyes, how am I supposed to get to school if my eyes aren't even half open? Its not only becuz of lack of sleep, they are all puffy and glued down from tears, not only mentally but physically this hurts in so many ways, he just doesnt know.
Micheline // 7:47 AM
Sunday, April 06, 2003:
If there is anything that I am afraid of it's becoming like my "mom". I hate her so much and running into her today driving my car telling me it was her birthday tomorrow (now today) acting like she wanted me to get her something just hit the wrong spot. She takes my sister out buys her things spends time with her cares about her whatever, it's not that I am jealous of those things it's just that instead of me even getting nothing I get things taken, she has taken away so much of my life and possessions it is amazing that she can still call herself my mom, sometimes she lies to her new boyfriends and tell them that I go to Purdue and that is why I am never around because I am out of state. I just really don't want to end up like her because I know sometimes when you never want to be like one of your parents I hear that is the one you turn out to be most like. If I ever have children I don't ever want them to have to go through the shit my "mom" has put me through, and that is one of my biggest fears.
Micheline // 11:13 PM
I was excited, I was gonna get something I have been waiting 4 for awhile. I dont even know what happened between me and him going to get my playstation or xbox whatever to him saying that he might not even call me when he is done doing what the fuck ever. I was gonna get him his game that he was looking at yesterday too because I know he loves it, I am not even in the mood to do anything but lay in my bed and stare at the wall now.
Micheline // 3:09 PM
Friday, April 04, 2003:
I feel like I am just going to break down and die =(
Micheline // 11:38 AM
I am so sorry, Why do I always just have to open my mouth and say something stupid!?!? I didn't mean to hurt him.
Micheline // 8:32 AM
Thursday, April 03, 2003:
You ever have a day when you just wake up and want to cry?
Micheline // 7:42 AM
Wednesday, April 02, 2003:
Last Night *correction* this morning very early when I was supposed to, or thought I was supposed to get a call from Roch I couldn't sleep, he told me he was at the movies and then around 1:30 I just woke up, I couldn't go back to sleep because every single ring on his phone that I heard with no answer I felt more and more, I just had a bad feeling and was scared that something happened. I kept calling messaging, Im'ing and everything and nothing...I didn't know what to do. He probably thinks that I was just mad that he didn't call but this time that wasn't it..I was honestly worried and couldn't sleep at all because of it..finally almost 5 am he finally answered, sounding all sleepy and cute but it was such a relief to hear he was ok but I then realized that I stayed up and got no sleep for no reason, everything was ok, but it just proves to me that I do truly deeply care about him even if he doesn't think so.
Micheline // 9:45 PM
Sunday, March 30, 2003:
STAB! stab-stab-stab-stab!!!! Will I have any blood left when he is done stabbing me? Is it that hard to not insult someone you supposedly love/loved for just one conversation? I am so frustrated I just want run something over! Words apparently mean nothing and I have been holding in so much shit for so long and I cannot take it!
Micheline // 10:24 PM
Saturday, March 29, 2003:
FUCK! I go over to Summer's after work with Margot and Viani hoping to maybe put my mind at ease and watch a movie and maybe laugh! Nothing is really funny, all I can think about it Roch, no matter what I see or what someone says it will trigger some sort of memory of him. She had this picture of the whold group from my sophomore year and Roch of course was in the middle, wearing a cowboy hat (weirdo), but it was cute and I wanted to cry because I just dont understand how such stupid things can escalate to this. Every morning when I wake up next to his stuffed animals I wish he were there every morning, he is so stupid 4 thinking that I could ever just 4get about him! I really don't know what to do I feel like I am fighting to keep us and he could care less so he doesnt even try. I think about what it would be like without him a lot, I can honestly say I would hate it! I do need him regardless of what he thinks on that matter and I want us to stay, I just don't know what to do...not that that is a surprise but I think of everything that I could possibly do and I know every attempt of me trying to do good would just be shot down. This is the week from hell!!!!!! Cant shit at least try to spread itself out a little instead of all happening at once? Whatever, I just don't know what to do....still thinking...
Micheline // 2:29 AM
Monday, March 10, 2003:
Everything in life is good, except one thing...no matter how many people are around me I still feel lonely. It's like if I wanna talk to him I cant, sometimes I just want to hear his voice but that never works out. He is always busy or never wants to talk, or it will start a fight. What am I supposed to do? Everything else is good except that one thing. I can't call anymore because he says I am "nagging" him, when I message it is rare I get a message back. What to do?
Micheline // 8:32 PM
Tuesday, February 25, 2003:
...I don't like him right now, but I still love him...how can he not love me, what did I do to make that stop?
Micheline // 6:48 PM
Well, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am the only one who cares about us. He makes no attempt to talk to me and when I find him somehow he has nothing but mean things to say. Damn this is horrible I am fucking miserable. Why does he hurt me so much when no matter what I could do, even if I wanted to hurt him I couldn't. I don't think this is fair. This whole thing sucks! I think he is trying to make me start to hate him.
Micheline // 9:10 AM
Yesterday I thought we were on the path to OK-ness, but I guess I was wrong. When I was told I meant nothing I was in the back of my head hoping that it was an exaggeration but I was wrong again. I can't sleep what the fuck am I doing up at 4 in the morning?!
Micheline // 3:02 AM
Monday, February 24, 2003:
All I want right now is just to get a call one day that I dont have to ask for.
Micheline // 9:47 PM
Sunday, February 23, 2003:
...Can't sleep. Too much stuff just running through my head. Today, one of the best of the best and worst of the worst. It started bad by expecting a phone call early that morning, then several message attempts done by me with no reply. I went out with Viani in attempt to forget and do something productive instead of dwell on shit. I hear nothing til like after 5. I get a call and get to hear a new excuse. I make it perfectly clear that I am unhappy but we will talk later. I was thinking that by saying that MAYBE that he would attempt to not do all the things that have made me unhappy in the first place. I call Margot and we make plans to see Dave Chappelle. I have never been to a concert, stand up comedy or anything, so it was a big deal to me. We didnt have tickets but we stood in the cold for like an hour trying to get some. At the last minute we found someone who was selling theirs. We made it into the show exactly as it was starting. I was so excited, I think Dave Chappelle the greatest and to get to see him in person was... well I can't describe. Anyways it was funny, but everything that he had to say somehow related to me and Roch. I had fun, me and Margot got food and sat and talked with Jessica for awhile. They started talking about their boyfriends and as always I make Roch sound a million times better than theirs (not making up stuff or anything, thats just how it is). Even though I was still angry at him I never insult him to other people, I am never ashamed of him as he is with me. I message him asking him to make time to talk with me..he says ok in like an hour. 2 hours pass by....I feel forgotten. I waited twice as long as he requested and still I hear nothing back. I message him he tells me he's not home. I still don't understand why it is so hard for him to let me know that we wont be talking in an hour because he was doing something and he'll be late. Anyways I call him, I am soooo mad because I dont think I deserve this. I made a plan with myself that if he continued what he was doing (ignoring me) that I would do the same to him, so when I talked to him i let him know thats what was going to happen. I had nothing else to say. He calls back and starts talking and eventually I called him a liar. I called him a liar becuase he told me that he would be down here this weekend to see me, his story had changed about 3-4 times. First it was he was coming down, then it was he was coming down but leaving on saturday, then it was he was coming down saturday, then it was not at all. I wasn't at all saying that he didn't try I was just saying that if he was coming down basically he should have made arrangements so that he would be down, he relies on the unreliable. Right after I hear "fuck you" about 4 times and "kiss my black ass", and he thinks that what he said was not as powerful as the word "liar", I think he outdid me there..especially when he hung up on me right after I hear that.I called back because I am dumb as hell and then he then eventually goes on to tell me that I basically put too much worth in myself and that I really dont mean that much to him or at all in fact. I couldnt take hearing that so I hung up threw myself on the floor and curled up. I really didn't know what to do with that. That was the worst stab anyone has ever given me in my entire life. He calls but I cant answer after hearing that, he eventually messages me and says he didnt mean it that way it came out wrong and he was sorry, asks me to please answer. I couldnt really talk but basically all that was said was that he was sorry didn't mean it and wanted me to acknowledge that he was saying that...then sleep well. Now please tell me how I am supposed to sleep well after all that? I cant. I message him back asking a simple..do you still care about me, he says less than before. I guess I shouldnt have asked something like that knowing it would be a bad answer but hoping it wouldn't. I am sorry I called him a liar but I don't think that I deserve all this, I am drowning myself everytime I try to lay down and sleep. My body already aches and now my head is about to explode. If there was a simple solution to this I would take it in a second...but I cannot find one. I am completely lost and I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to wake up in the mornings now when I seem to have nothing to look forward to? Not that he is my whole life but thoughts of him run through all day so its like he is always there. What do I do?
Micheline // 3:40 AM
I am so numb....it is undescribable how you can feel when you not only are treated like nothing but then told you are nothing.
Micheline // 2:04 AM
Saturday, February 22, 2003:
How can you be with someone when you aren't even with that someone? Thats someone acts like you don't exist and proves more and more everyday that they don't care. If you don't care about someone you can't love them. I am sad now, but eventually my sadness will turn to anger and who knows what from there. I don't know what to do anymore, and I just want it back to how it was.
Micheline // 12:24 PM
Friday, February 21, 2003:
Always let down. I need to stop expecting even the smallest things. =( All it does is hurt..too many tears shed. I still love him but I can't say it, it's like he doesn't even care about how I feel, what I would want. His only concern is that sometimes I may overreact and once that happens the problem becomes my fault. Don't tell me you are going to come see me when you don't!!!!!!!!!!!! So I can sit miserable all night doing nothing becuase my plans revolved around him. Just because things like this if they were turned around wouldn't affect him don't mean that they don't me and by now I would think that he would understand that, but by his actions, apparently not. =<
Micheline // 8:21 PM
Thursday, February 20, 2003:
Omigod, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I swear! I am forgotten consistantely and when I do try to talk he acts llike I am doing something wrong, then on top of that my "I Love yous'" apparently don't mean shit! Fuckit! trying to come down here to pretend its to see me, yea right. THIS IS SO FUCKING GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....no more calls from me!
Micheline // 11:26 AM
Thursday, January 23, 2003:
Every heart beat and I think of him
Micheline // 9:49 PM
Wednesday, January 22, 2003:
.."oh yea i have class and I dont have 2 seconds to message u hi from 8 am to 4pm, not a damn second, I have better things to do, I like to ignore and pretend u dont exist, I dont appreciate the time that u take out of ur busy life to spend with me, I dont want to see u on ur b-day, everything else in the world is more important than u, I am so much better than u, I like to do things intentionally that I know hurt u, I always think u r cheating on me or have backup but yet I have girls at asu all over me, I never like to call cuz I hate hearing ur voice, I like to hide u from everytone because it is shameful for me to admit the U are my girlfriend, I dont like to do random nice things because u dont deserve them, my name is roch"...ha well this is my interpretation of what he would say to me if he was completely truthful!
Micheline // 7:39 PM
GODDAMN! I stay online waiting, just to be nice, just to say goodnight. That was a big mistake. I get questioned for it for like 4ever! Y can't I just stay on and wait to say goodnight, do something nice, something I would want. Anyway I was so tired, went to bed and get these messages saying "what do u want from me?" and whatever. I did not answer because I JUST wanted to sleep! Then in the morning I messaged a "hi" and hear nothing back. OK go to work message again saying something like "so y r u ignoring me again?" I hear nothing back 4 awhile and then get a "shuttup". Ok whatever I go home get on the net, and just to make conversation I said that U of A will beat ASU, he says that he doesnt give a fuck. Well now I feel like shit because my attempt at a lame conversation went the wrong way, then he starts saying shit about me liking the guys, no actually i really do like basketball. Then I hear things about him and whatever I say he says I dont care, if i did not care I would not mention a damn thing about it!!!!!!!! I do not get how that is so hard to understand, if I continuously mention something does that not mean that I care?!?!
Micheline // 7:12 PM
Monday, January 20, 2003:
... everything was perfect over the weekend, the second I leave it goes back to how it was...
Micheline // 9:52 AM
Monday, January 13, 2003:
I try not to let things bother me, I try to be nice but apparently that was not good enough. I mean what i say, I don't care what the fuck people think but I honestly do mean everything that I say...and fine if he doesn't think so then whatever I do nothing to make it seem that I don't.I just don't know what to say anymore. I try to watch my words but everything I say is interpretted incorrectly anyway, whats the point?
Micheline // 10:01 PM
Wednesday, January 08, 2003:
Please tell me how you can not forgive the one you supposedly love for something so stupid that isnt a big deal and is equally their fault?
Micheline // 10:08 PM
Sunday, January 05, 2003:
What the fuck!!?! Omigod I ask a simple question, "what's your new years resolution?" the answer i get is "you dont wanna know" now tell me, why the fuck wouldnt I want to know, unless it was like, get rid of micheline or start fucking with other girls or something like that why cant you tell the person you've been with for almost 9 months your damn resolution!?!?!?! You would think that we would be to a point where anything asked is answered. Well if i didn't want to fucking know I wouldnt fucking ask!!!! Trying to keep shit from me, ha. Any conversation we have anymore consists of "hi" and "bye" and that is pretty much it. Anything else that could be included in it gets eliminated because of shit like this, don't bother asking anything anymore =(
Micheline // 12:34 AM
Sunday, December 29, 2002:
Micheline // 12:14 AM
Friday, December 27, 2002:
...guess I couldn't wait til next year =( Yea well, didn't hear from him on Christmas, thought I would, didn't hear from him yesterday, thought I would...only heard from him for 5 minutes on Christmas eve the WHOLE time he's been gone!!!! I sleep on the couch hoping 4 the phone to ring or I fall asleep in my bed holding the phone hoping that it won't die in the middle of the night, I hear my cell beep, I look and it's like 3am and all I get is...."I can't call" on my text message thingy, no sorry no explanation, thats it.U know, how important must I be if he can't spend 2 minutes out of his day to say 'Hi"!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? or something to that effect. I feel like I am always begging him to call, "when r u gonna call" "r u gonna call tonight", I dont even feel comfortable calling him myself, u know why!?!?! Because all I would probably get is.."IM BUSY!", and thats it, I doubt I would get a "bye" because it would be aweful for his family to find out who is talking to. I know this sounds like a little thing, but u know its kinda hard to even tell him how I feel when I dont even get a chance to talk to him!!!!!! Please someone tell me how you can be busy 24/7 and all up til like 5 in the morning?!?!?! and not have a second to spare!? Well, my resolution = me never again asking 4 him to call and I know he wont so I guess we will never talk again other than text messages, YAAAY! =(
Micheline // 10:02 AM
Wednesday, December 25, 2002:
Well, its Christmas!!...well about a half hour left anyway, but yea I dont say enough but I do love Roch, he puts up with so much of my shit and he can just laugh about it...thats all I wanted to say...talk to ya next year =)
Micheline // 10:31 PM
Sunday, December 22, 2002:
It's so great when your boyfriend decides to talk to your worst enemy while talking to you at the same time, making me sit and wait for a response while that bitch is taking up his time. Well whatever and now it appears that I can NEVER make him happy, I have not done a damn thing for him to think that I am unfaithful but yet he always tries to say things about it. What the hell am i supposed to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? It's IMPOSSIBLE!!! So why the hell do I stay so faithful when I get blamed for not being it anyways!?!?! This is so incredibly fucked up. I realize how much I miss him and then I hear how not happy he is since we fought. The only thing that could change that is if I could turn back time but I don't have the power to do that so what the fuck!?! I suffer just as much but mine doesnt count only because I make attempts at being happy, whatever fuck it.
Micheline // 9:12 PM
Tuesday, December 17, 2002:
It's a really depressing thing when you finally realize how you are always the one to want to see someone when that someone never really knows if they want to or cares about seeing you. How can you not know if you want to see someone?..unless you don't and you're afraid to say so. It's ok I get it now....guess I'll continue to miss those things :( Since everything in my life seems to be falling apart all at once, let me just hope I do good on my finals.
Micheline // 10:17 PM
Monday, December 16, 2002:
the hugs, the kisses, the movies, the go out and get food in the middle of the night, the lay in bed all day and do nothing, the truly sad goodbyes, the wake up in the morning sex, the wake up in the middle of the night sex, the showers, the back rubs, the poker games, the sweet messages, the wake ups next 2 eachother, the drives to nowhere, the pinching and biting, and other things but especially the "I love you's"
Micheline // 9:26 PM
Friday, December 13, 2002:
FUCK!!! I can see how much of fucking nothing I am and mean but why the fuck can't I just walk away? I'm so sick of being lonely.
Micheline // 7:48 PM
Tuesday, December 10, 2002:
I am such a mess, I havent slept more than 2 hours the past 2 days. Haven't been going to school because I just wanna lay in my bed and never get out even though I am not asleep. I dont know what to do anymore. I am so sick of tasting tears.
Micheline // 10:41 AM
Thursday, December 05, 2002:
Everyday its a new fight. I didn't even have an idea of how many things u can possibly argue about, and when I look back I sometimes can't even remember what they were about. Just proves how senseless they are. I feel like if I don't take the blame or try to, which I truly am, make things better it will all be over. Almost 8 months of the best thing ever, gone over some stupid misunderstanding or someone who refuses to listen. I would not still be here if it wasn't worth it, but it is feeling less and less so. I just want this to stop. :(
Micheline // 10:45 PM
Thursday, November 21, 2002:
Is it so hard to even act like you care?!?!? I am a nothing! Everything I do turns into a mistake that I can't take back. The one person you would think who could be there for you has better things to do...ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha, he's always acting like he's the one who's not ok, like he's the one who feeling crappy or unhappy, while I sit over put on a happy face because maybe, just MAYBE that might make him happy but no! Nothing works, while I give all of me to try to seem happy and it's running out. I can only take so much of being left out so much of being left behind, so much of being forgotten, not loved, not thought about, not cared for, not talked to, not wanted. I finally blow, I say one thing and turns everything into a huge mess! Now everything he's done to make me feel like the piece of crap that I must be is ALL my fault...it's always turned around on me. I always do everything wrong.
Micheline // 9:23 PM
Tuesday, November 19, 2002:
...3 days of hell. Why does it seem like I am the only one suffering, the only one that cares? This is a disgusting feeling and not fair...why do I do this to myself? Put myself through all this when I pretty much know they truth.
Micheline // 6:59 PM
Friday, November 15, 2002:
Well, right when it seems that everything is gonna be ok something just HAS to happen to fuck things up...once again. Why?
Micheline // 10:31 PM
Sunday, November 10, 2002:
Tell me how u can have someone so high on your list and them put you so far at the bottom?
Micheline // 11:16 PM
Sunday, October 27, 2002:
Life is funny. Guys constantely tell me how lucky my man is but yet I feel like the lucky one...
Micheline // 10:12 PM
Sunday, October 06, 2002:
Damn, last weekend, damn well I shoulda wrote about it then cuz words could not even express how I came out of that weekend. I was so incredibly happy, if not the happiest I have ever been in my life...this weekend, completely different story, friday FUCKED up night.Misunderstandings were the main cause of the shit that happened friday night. Besides the horrible friday night saturday came along, when u think everythings ok, its not! Someone/ some people gotta just fuck everything up! After being driven home by the cops, I felt horrible. Was it really worth it? I guess not considering where I am sitting right now. I hate hearing shit that I never expected to hear and not being ready for it. My stomach drops/cant eat/cant sleep, its truly hell. This week is going to be truly hell.
Micheline // 11:43 PM
Monday, September 23, 2002:
here's the unheard~all this is gonna hurt to say but it needs to be let out.the summer before Freshman year, I was idiotic. I don't want to make excuses but no matter who you are drugs will fuck you up more than you can imagine. Donnie, this guy I had a weird off and on crush on, I moved in with him the summer before freshman year. All day and all night we would smoke. Roland came around once in awhile, thought he was the toughest shit in the world. Me being the gullible nerd i was went fot it. I wasn't even in high school yet and was already getting threats about getting beaten up, etc. Roland stood up as the protector and made me feel something I never felt before....noticed. I didnt want to be noticed by him so much but it seemed that when I was around him it seemed that other people noticed too. Roland's cousin, Esidro, came around once in awhile and I honestly cant recall why. I didnt really have any idea who he was but was somewhat attracted to him under the impression that he was smart. Dillemma: "popular guy", "smart guy", or the guy I had a crush on considering I never knew he felt the same for me. Well, being the fuckup I was, I went the wrong way. Attention deprived and lonely I FUCKED UP! Well, the story of this relationship is more sick than anything I could possibly even make up. I was consistantely reminded of everyday how ugly and unpopular i was. How I was just a mismatched charity case. It was low but I took it-bad attention or good attention it didnt matter. I started to think straight for a moment, talked to the more sensible choice I should have made, Esidro (so I thought). We came up with a solution, get rid of Roland and go 4 Esidro. By this time Donnie had already moved out so pissed at what I had done even though I had no idea what he felt for me. The day came when I broke up with Roland and nothing happened with me and Esidro. I was a bit confused but didn't worry about it. Somehow we ended up going to homecoming dance. I had never been to a REAL sort of dance before so I was a little overwhelmed. As soon as we got there I was sort of left on my own. The whole night I was questioning whether we had even gone together. I think we danced.....a half a dance maybe the whole night. About 30 minutes before the dissapointing night was done, I looked over and see him kissing some girl. My stomach just dropeed, that was so unexpected. I was amazed at what I saw but as usual acted llike nothing bothered me. The last slow dance came on and I never wanted to go home so bad. I was about to break any moment. Next thing I know Roland bumped into me and took me 4 the last dance. The consoler- he took advantage of every situation he could. I was weak and he saw it. My mom had to pick esidro, paul, me and my friend marie up that night. Of course she was the last to show up. the awkwardness was almost unbearable. Then she came up with the brilliant idea of going to IHOP. The last thing I wanted was to spend another second around him. When I finally got home I hear "I hate you so much right now" being yelled by Kelis. That was my theme song for that night. Life went on and ended up back with Roland. Hearing more of how stupid and disgusting I was more and more everyday. Here is the most horrifying part yet. Like I didn't feel low enough he would tell me stories about all the other girls that he had supposedly been with. Made me feel like such an inexperienced loser. He would say that I had to pick a date....pick a date to fuck. When I would put it off he would tell me about how if he asked Linda (Laskowski) or any other girl they would have a date right away. For some reason I didn't want to be cheated on and I never wanted to be with him but either way it was sick! So I picked a few days then made many excuses. One day my excuses ran out. It was the most horrible experience in my entire life. Things always progressively got worse. We broke up about a total of 12 times. He moved to California and I got kicked out of my house and moved in with my dad. I felt so free...but wasnt. Apparently he had connections at school and was having people spy on me and whoever he happened to see me with he would get a rumor started to make me look bad. He eventually came back and when I wanted nothing to do with him he had people calling my house at all times of the night for like a month. Just cussing me out 4 no reason. One of the voices was recognizable-it was esidro. I was pissed. Well being drug-free and living with my dad I began to see things much more clear. I felt like I was in another world, a new life but someone else's past had fucked me over. My self-confidence was at zero! But as I would ride the bus home from school, well it was always the best part of the day. I got to see Roch. He always seemed allto himself and I just admired him from afar. Just watching him listen to his headphones (he looked so cute) made my day. Time went on and my friends had an idea of makign up a "salsa" dance. I went along with it and we got to choose our own partners. I was really shy but told the girls to ask Roch if he would do it. He agreed. I cant dance! I started to get real worried. I was afraid he'd think I was an idiot. Every practice I felt like he wanted nothing to do with me but everytime he touched me I had some serious butterflies and was a walking horndog, but was good at hiding that. I pretty much thought that he was incredibly annoyed with me so I gave up on the idea of us, unfortunately. Especially after during the dance concert he got mad and said " look me in the eyes!" I felt so stupid, because when I am shy around people I can't look them in the eyes. Thinking he had a thing with Jennifer I moved on. That night a somebody who I vowed not to really have anything to do with asked to be with me. I was really confused but basically said yea because I knew how jealous it would make my friends and I felt that I hadnt had anyone in too long. It was a real weird relationship. I had always held against him the fact of what he did to me on homecoming but never mentioned it. When he would walk behind me and wrap his arms around me I would feel sick, when I saw Roch, he was the one I wanted to be with. Sometimes I wish I would have thrown Esidro's arms down and ran to Roch... but I didn't.I stayed in the relationship thinking that I could get nothing better. We never had anything to talk about. The "I love you's" were purely because we had been together so long it just seemed kind of necessary. This may sound sick but I thoguht it would be quite interesting to take a guys virginity and "train" him how I wanted things....so i did. Any and everytime we saw eachother I would try to hink of ways to get him in my room. Everything was so awkward but thats all I cared aboiut because thats all we had. We NEVER fought because neither of us really gave a shit about eachother enough to tell how we really felt. It was such an act to show any sort of care or affection. We never really touched eachother and when we sat , we wouldnt even really sit next to eachother. It was all based on sex but even so, I did not have the wandering eye and also did not have the courage to lose what I thought I had. I get a call 1:30 maybe 2 in the morning saying it was over. Ok, that I can deal with but the bastard didn't have the balls to tell it straight up or even to my face and THAT is something that I do NOT have respect for. Mark was online, I trusted him. I was tore up. I wanted sympathy more than anything. Since I had dissed my friends for my lustful relationship I couldnt really go running to them. The thing that made me lose my faith in everyone was how everyone kept from me that selina was at the esidro's sisters party that i was supposed to be at. I had gone to the doctor which is why I wasnt there early ( I guess). I went intending to get my birth control shot and was apparently too late. I wanst sure if I had just had a fucked up period or miscarriage, I was informed that it was a miscarriage but wasn't a nig deal because of how soon it died. I never thought that anything that irresponsible could happen to me. I decided not to tell because I didnt want to make a big deal out of nothing and he had refused to speak with me at the time anyway. He was getting his "space" before completely cutting off. I hear later that my worst enemy since the 6th grade had won. It was just a game to her, she got what she wanted. When I found out how many people knew, it made me sick that no one decided to let me know. More than the breakup I was more upset about the question "what does she have that I don't". That ran through my head so many times its sad. I had a wedding the day of the breakup and I couldnt stand it. That was the worst possible place you can be forced to go to after somethign like that. That was the day I officially gave up on relationships. I had my angel, Jodie, this guy had come in my life the second esidro was gone and he saved me. If it was not for him my self-confidence would not be where it is today. Jodie's grandmother died so he had to move back to texas to be with his family. By that time I was perfectly ok. I'll never 4get him. Somehow me and esidro started talking again- I figured it would be cool to still be friends because I dont like to hold grudges but I still wanted what I wanted b4, and to see if I could still get it was a dare I gave to myself. Even though it was a sick premonition I thought we were getting along better than ever and maybe should try over. When I heard a "no" I was amazed and went to "why?, whats wrong with me?" Back in the days when I didn't give up so easily I was determined to find out why. I continued things the way they were. One time the condomo fell off. I was scared because I knew I was not up to date on my shot. I was feeling weird and was afraid to talk to any of my girlfriends about it because they would kill me. I finally went for some bloodwork-came out positive. I was so scared. I turned to Mark because he always seemed to have sensible solutions for things. I got the abortion pill and fortunatley they worked. They work very slowly, it took about a week before everything was actually gone. The day that it was complete happened to be the same day as the twirp dance. I felt ok because it hadn't all happened in one day. Regardles...everything after that seemed fine. Until esidro didnt believe me. He had me come over and wanted me to take a pregnancy test. I was so pissed. I knew it was gonna come out positive because it had left my system barely a week b4. I admit that I faked the test. If it came out positive which it would have even though I was no longer pregnant I knew no one would believe me. That night esidro started saying shit about how that wasnt bringing us closer but he would always be there and all kidsn of that bullshit. I told him that night that I didnt want to be with him. I no longer wanted him anymore and we could possibly be friends. I was happy when all the drama was over. And I really like how everything was so fucking fake with me concerning all that. Their true colors didnt show until I wanted to actually get what I truly wanted. We kept it a secret and were always going to. The reason not being that we cared what anyone thought but because he liked to keep his business to himself which i respected and completely understood. Everyone seemed to take that the wrong way. Then I was being put under the microscope having my life and my actions analyzed. Why did they act ok with me until I was finally truly happy? I smell jealousy. If I have ever been hiding anything in my life hear it is, you've read it. I am not proud but I have learned from my stupidity and will never make decisions like that again. I wish for no one else to either, I hope I at least help one person out by telling this story.
Micheline // 9:14 PM
Friday, September 20, 2002:
Well well well....Ha, U know, this may be strange to some people but to me being reffered to as the devil is quite the compliment...I am the one people are so scared to meet, the fear in so many peoples hearts. I mean damn little me...so scary huh? So i must be to opposition to god, to something I dont even believe exists, how can that be? But who wouldn't want to be in competition with "Him"? To be compared to such high and mighty flatters me. But regardless, I admit I have done some mindless things out of spite, which is absolutely wrong but I admit to nothing that would cause permanent harm or damage to anyone, because that is not the case. When I look back I can laugh...I laugh at all the people who seem to think what they say is the truth. If they were only me. Then they would know. I want to know how you can call the someone I know "stupid" or the many terms with the same meaning when he is the most open eyed, realistic, loving, considerate, ingenuous person I know. And for him I would do anything. These torpid assholes adulate me when they spend so much time to despise of me so strongly. Its the sightless people who think they are being the bigger person by placing the blame for the many problems in this world on ONE person. I wish I was completely capable of all the things I have been said to have done, but unfortunately I am the bigger person when I can accept what I have done and move on. I do not and will not ever blame anyone else for the problems in my past waste of a life. I have done what I have done, it has been so misconcieved that there is no way out, nor will I try to find one, I'm tired of the waste...waste of time...waste of people. The people who have misinterpreted my past I wish never to have anything to do with. I hope they are happy. I sincerely feel sorry for people who have to prejure what they know to get a point made to a 3rd party with a goal of getting them on their side. This isnt a fucking game! Life, love and happiness are a gamble...I and my love have taken that chance...all bets are out and I have been ready for the cards. I can handle this...but can they? Apparently not! The regret that I have now is that he has to deal with the mistakes that I had made. My only wish was that this was not the fact...but it is, this is where we are. In the now, not in the past! We will come out of this as stronger people no matter what the future leads to. But my happiness, my true love is now!....and thats all that matters to me...so fuck all the rest of u who waste your time to try to change that, suck my devil horns!!!!!!
Micheline // 8:39 PM
Friday, August 23, 2002:
SHIT!!! If I would have never left work I would have been fine..all I get there is compliments and at least I am not sitting around bored. The worst thing in life is having nothing to do..I have to be busy but apparently someone is a lil too busy 4 me...I knew this would happen. I can't believe I let it get to me like this though. What am I gonna do? I look down the street you would turn on to get to his house and its horrible thinking that the street wont lead me to where I wanna be anymore. I dont expect anything anymore, here I am...left behind : (
Micheline // 8:56 PM
Thursday, August 22, 2002:
Damn. well red watery eyes all day didnt help much when I was already all tore up. I never would have thought that I would be affected so much by him leaving. I can't stand it I think I'm gonna go absolutely crazy soon, I mean it hasnt even been a full24 hours and Idont know what to do. I feel like shit and can't stop crying, certain little things will remind me and its not like he's gone 4ever...I just think that my mind keeps thinking that...here I am sitting in the old and boring while he's gonna move on to the fun and new..I'm just scared I'm gonna be left behind 4 good:( I never thought it would be like this, when people move away from me I usually dont care because I keep in contact but this is weird. I hate this feeling.I do admit that for awhile there I was thinking that it would be good that we wouldn't see so much of eachother and now I can't believe I even thought that...like I have said before and will say again...u really don't know what u got til its gone and I hate that I have to find out things the hard way..that way. This is a tought test but we'll see...I love him...and this is real!
Micheline // 9:14 PM
Tuesday, August 06, 2002:
Well, thought I just about lost everything...my car had been stolen from me saturday night, I was tricked. My "mom" lets refer to her as Denise got me to think we were going to go out to dinner, next thing I know she calls and tells me to look out the window and I see no car. That car was my life, it held everything of mine, memories, possessions and was a trophy to me of all the hard work I had gone through to get it. I couldnt believe that had all been taken from me, all that wasted time at the Yogurt Station for nothing! My yearbook, work badge, gate key, cd's and player were the most important things lost...the car I do not want back anymore, it holds bad memories. I couldnt believe that my own flesh and blood could be so cruel for absolutley no reason, apparently she was short on cash and decided that selling my car would help her out...she's about to call my work and tell them I haven't graduated which will get me laid off right away. Fortunatley I have a TRUE loving family on my Dad's side who came up with some cash and I got another car yesterday...but it's not the same...its not the one I earned. I have to thank the one I love or else I dont think that I would have been able to deal with this like I did, I would have given up and figured there was no hope in the situation. I just decided to write about this because this is a true lesson on....be careful who you trust. Basically if I would have never let my mom have a spare key, or put her name on the title..or thought she would have actually taken me and my sis out to dinner...I was wrong...
Micheline // 8:00 PM
Wednesday, July 31, 2002:
I can't believe I still write in this thing...well tomorrow and friday left at the yogurt shop, other job doing good. But other than that, well tonight was hella weird. Had something I can honestly say I have never had before and it was crazy. I always leave happy and think everything is ok but when the truth comes out it kills me. I don't understand how someone who basically doesnt trust me...(now I know this)....expects me to trust them with me, with my everything. I'm sorry if i am wrong but I can't do that, how can I ever put myself in that situation again where they have a chance to say I was lying. Now that I can't sleep because of this I decided to let it all out here. Anything and everything good turns into shit eventually, for me lately it has been quick. What am I doing wrong in life to deserve that. Should I seclude myself from everyone and everything so that they can judge all they want but from a distance? I can never do right...
Micheline // 3:02 AM
Sunday, July 28, 2002:
Can I do anything right?
Micheline // 3:32 AM
Wednesday, July 24, 2002:
I wanna make love in the rain.
Micheline // 10:17 PM
Friday, July 19, 2002:
...Last night, well felt wrong but right, did something I have never done b4. I felt guilty all day and weird and I dont know why. All day everything seemed awkward. I just realized how much of me has been unreached and untouched. I'm just all messed up and I dont know why. I feel like I cause pain to people and thats it. I couldnt sleep last night, my whole body was throbbing, strangest feeling in the world, never wanted something so bad b4. Now I have nonstop curiosities and find myself constantely dazing off at work. I know exactly what I want, have what I want...but never know what I want from what I have...
Micheline // 10:49 PM
Sunday, July 14, 2002:
Well, theres something that I have wanted so bad but have given up on trying to get it. No matter how tempting it may be to say my mind tells me "NO!" whenever the situation may arise. Things are so hard to explain on this subject without actually coming out and saying it. I wanted to have something that was not based on something else (if that makes sense) I didnt think I was the only one and was told I wasn't the only one but now I am starting to think differently. I guess trying to do little other things doesnt help much for anything. Whenever there "might" be something wrong I always feel like crying and I don't know why. How I feel sometimes makes absolutely no sense, even to me, but I think there is something that can explain it all but I wish I could say I was sure of it...
Micheline // 2:39 AM
Wednesday, July 10, 2002:
All these guys trying to hit on me at work, but yet I can only think about one...the one I can call mine. But why is it that I still never feel good enough for the one I have? I always walk away feeling like I have done something wrong, I hate that. And i never know what it is, but I do know that there is a something, what it is I wish I knew, maybe I could change it, stop it or whatever. Can't stop doing something that you dont know you're doing.
Micheline // 10:54 PM
Sunday, July 07, 2002:
OK OK, overexagerrated a lil over there on the 5th...I guess I need to evaluate a situation a lil more and look at things different so I dont jump to conclusions that aren't always true. I always assume the worst and make a situation worse than it has to be. But I guess things have been thought out and what i said wasn't true so the 2 things written under this can be ignored. I have 2 high of expectations in certain situations I guess...I'll get over it.
Micheline // 2:46 AM
Friday, July 05, 2002:
...peope only stick around when they want something...
Micheline // 2:40 AM
Well damn, right now I feel so completely empty it's crazy, 4th of july was shit..nothing to do. I have finally realized the reason of why I keep my feelings to myself..it seems to work better that way in the end you dont feel so inutile. Well at least it's my last day of training tomorrow and well having all this on my mind isnt going to benefit me much on the test...and no sleep :(
Micheline // 2:39 AM
Sunday, June 09, 2002:
Alright what is up with this shit of me consistantely being blamed for shit I did NOT do?! People have a problem of not looking at things from the other sides point of view....like for instance I have a green car now (used to be blue...thanx 2 some staining mustard), no one gives a shit b cuz some one else's car got a lil messed up (which I DID NOT DO), but because of who it is...."Oh poor him", but I dont fucking matter. I feel like the only fuck with a conscience, I stopped myself from getting into things that would end up hurting people that I feel no need to hurt even though they are very deserving of it....why dont i just be a cold-hearted BITCH like everyone fucking thinks I am?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Micheline // 2:44 PM
Wednesday, June 05, 2002:
"The unknown is always an added attraction"...
Micheline // 11:19 PM
Sunday, June 02, 2002:
I feel like I have a problem expressing myself. I can never straight out say what I want or say how I am feeling and I wish I knew why. One thing that is good is that I have felt very confident lately...there are some assholes out there that tried to bring me down but somehow it had a reverse reaction. There are always better people out there. I am finally becoming thankful for what I have which is hard because everyone always wants better things than they already have or have had. I can for once say that I am truly happy!
Micheline // 10:18 PM
Friday, May 24, 2002:
Well damn...it was not only a waste of a day..I wish it had never existed! I guess it's better for me to sit here and write in this damn blog thing than go and do something stupid. I ask for advice or an opinion and it is never what I want it to be...am I doing all the wrong things? Is it that I don't listen to the advice that I am a bad person or does that make me just more self reliant and odviously stupid. Here I go again with another summer with me sitting and waiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sick and tired of waiting. Is that so hard to understand? Trying to keep busy and keep my mind on other things is so hard, basically impossible, don't know what to do, don't know what to think...my head is going to explode..maybe it'll feel better then than it does now :(
Micheline // 8:20 PM
Tuesday, May 07, 2002:
Damn, I wasn't exactly planning on writing tonight. I guess it's wrong to be happy. There is an unwritten rule for me to just end up miserably somehow. I thought today had gone good, ended happily, but I guess I just don't see the things I should, must I compromise blindness with happiness?
Micheline // 11:21 PM
Monday, May 06, 2002:
Am I being unrealistic? I cannot tell if I am expecting the impossible or what..I guess I am just confusing myself. The closer to the end of school I get the more worried I am. Whats gonna happen next?
Micheline // 11:06 PM
Thursday, May 02, 2002:
Well, my life, hmmm...craziness, I dont know what the hell I am doing. Mrs. Cannon, my honors english teacher told me...IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS that she had a dream about me putting on make-up. I was so incredibly embarrassed. Well other than that I have realized more and more that I tend to over-analyze every little detail that has happened lately. Sometimes I see myself getting angry at people basically because I have overthought something they said or did and can't seem to let it go. Eventually I give in but that is a huge flaw...I think I just look for reasons to be mad sometimes because I really dont have anything to be angry about...I feel like I cant let anything be perfect or things to be good for me.
Micheline // 11:43 PM
Monday, April 22, 2002:
Been awhile, well keeping things to myself, or shall I say sharing with one person is so hard. I know that what I am keeping 2 myself is something I should but sometimes, only sometimes I wish things were different. I love the way thingd are right now, I just wish that was odvious 2 everyone...its like sometimes I feel sorta abandoned by the one person who I shouldnt feel that way with. I am not saying that I dont understand why, cuz I do, I just wish the situation was a bit different....maybe one day it will be.
Micheline // 10:33 PM
Sunday, April 07, 2002:
Hmm, damn, I got a 140 dollar speeding ticket, cop woulda let me off since I have never been pulled over but i was going 30 some over so it was "inexcusable". Yea so my day sucked and nothing else to say, I doubt we got in the dance show,and what I was happy about B4 I am now questioning...
Micheline // 10:03 PM
Tuesday, April 02, 2002:
Blogger wouldnt work last night and I had ALOT 2 say...too bad I dont remember anymore, basically I am really happy now...I can't explain why but it's nice, it could be nicer but I am glad it is the way it is right now. I decided that I am still gonna make a dance, all in one day...tomorrow, hopefully it turns out cool, its the last show and I don't wanna mess that up.....
Micheline // 9:38 PM
Monday, April 01, 2002:
All I have to say right now is DAMN! And it's a very very good DAMN, even tho it's really early..
Micheline // 4:38 AM
Had a dream last night....kinda crazy...the end of the dream scared me a little considering that dreams are supposed to be like your subconscience thoughts and to think that I could be thinking this... .very strange to me. Well rest of the day ws gay, nothing was open for this damn holiday we like to call easter, anyways I should have stayed asleep, It would have been more interesting...
Micheline // 12:27 AM
Sunday, March 31, 2002:
sorry about this
Pawis // 8:51 PM
Well, since I am happily half asleep and haven't even had any sleep last night and have to wait for my sister to come home so I can open the damn door for her I am writing..once again. Today, well went to work, some guy gave me a fifty dollar tip. I was gettin like hit on all day I didn't get it, some college guy kept tellin me to move to Georgia with him and all this strange bullshit. I don't get it, do people like me better when I am barely awake or what? Hmm, well I have done something that I hadn't exactly planned on and have never done before I don't know what to say....I don't want to say it was the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do because it has not truly affected anything yet. Well either way I will learn something from this.....
Micheline // 12:19 AM
Tuesday, March 26, 2002:
Well, I was so happy today when I heard about in chemistry how the average was 52% and then I got my paper back and I got a 90!!! I got the highest grade in the class and everyone but me has to retake it tomorrow. Also at work my algebra teacher came in, she was so embarrassed cuz she wasn't wearing make-up and didn't expect to see anyone she knew, she told me that I got all the questions right on the test we took today...hmm I have a powerful secret to all this, it's crazy, it's torture but it's crazy. But so I can pass my tests for tomorrow I am gonna go get to doin my homework....
Micheline // 10:04 PM
Monday, March 25, 2002:
Wow, well it's amazing that I have made it through this far in my day! I swear I don't know what the hell was wrong with me today but I could tell I was like having mood changes every minute of the day and I was a BITCH at work everybody was pissin me off so much...I feel like every customer got together and said..."let's make Micheline's life hell!" Ah well I don't get why I am like this, sometimes it's b4 I am about to have my period but I already got rid of that a couple years ago. Ah Well I am safely at home, no one to truly piss off and no one to piss me off. Hmm, well I am TRYING to choreograph something for the next show...I don't know how this is gonna turn out, Margot and Viani wanted to be in it so we let them but I don't know if they can pull off the shit me and Loreal made. VIani even said she couldn't do half the shit when we showed her and we planned on makin it even more complicated than it is now...o well.
Micheline // 9:40 PM